A tale of 2 egg rolls or Food is better than Sex

When I tell people food is better than sex they often say "Well you must be doing it wrong".  I say to them, you're the one doing it wrong, the food part.  A good meal lasts longer, often feels better and is as satisfying when you're alone as when you're with others.  

You can do it 6 or 7 times a day EVERY day.  In the car while driving, at work, really anywhere, anytime with anyone or alone.  An entire industry is in place to provide you with food in all its forms day or night.  If you're poor the government will give you money to buy food.  Churches offer free food.  In Vegas you can get sushi delivered on a naked woman.  Who's the star of that show?  The food!



I'm obsessed with food, the getting, storing, prepping, preparing, researching, experimenting, consuming.... its a huge part of my day, and my life. It's way more important to me than sex.  By that I mean if given the choice I'd pick food over sex and never look back. I like sex, I love sex, but I need food.  

I come by this obsession honestly.  Both of my parents are food obsessed.  My mother has said often that if she couldn't eat there would be no reason to live.  Her motto for treating sick children: Feed a cold, Feed a fever, Feed a hangnail.  But my Dad.... he's is in a whole other league....  Here's a story to illustrate.

When my old man was just a little older than I am now and long divorced from Mom, he had a lady friend coming over for dinner, a movie and she packed an overnight bag (wink).  

Lady friend arrives and they order Chinese.  The old man orders 2 egg rolls, an entree and a large shrimp fried rice.  His friend the shrimp lo mein, she does not want an egg roll.  Dad pauses, and seeks to clarify:

"The egg rolls here are really good and I am going to eat both these egg rolls.  If you want one, or 10, order them now because I am going to eat both of the ones I ordered"

Lady friend chuckled and reasserted her no egg roll position.

So Dad gets on the phone places the order and before hanging up checks in....: "Are you sure you don't want an egg roll?"

She was sure.  

Well you can guess what happened next.  Food comes, she sees and smells the egg rolls, and wants one.  Dad says "No".  "How about a bite of one?" Again..."Nope these are mine".

They do look good!

She thinks he's joking...  "Really?" she asks.  "Really" he responds his tone conveying seriousness.

She's incredulous. She hints that she may need go, not feeling so well. The subtext: "If you don't give me some egg roll you wont be getting laid tonight."   Dad's response.  "Do you need a bag for that Shrimp Lo Mein so you can take it with you?" 

She left in a huff and without her lo mein, BONUS!.  Dad ate both egg rolls and picked all the shrimp out of her lo mein and added it to his fried rice. 

You see people let you down, even sex can let you down, but food? Food never lets you down, never disappoints,  Food is love. It's even in my bible 1st Corningware Chapter 13 Verse 4.

Food is patient, Food is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6  Food does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8  Food never fails. 

I'm from New Orleans as are both parents, I didn't have a chance.  There is better food at a gas station here then in most restaurants in other cities.  In New Orleans we go to lunch to plan what to have for dinner.  I've seen a bar fight start over a disagreement over stuffed pepper recipes.  We take food seriously here. 

I'm currently obsessed with food more than usual.  The accident, not working, big diet change to vegan, they are all factors.  Food being more important than sex doesn't mean that sex is not important...sex is important.  And soon as I'm a little less depressed and over the worst of the regret I'll make room in my life for the possibility.  

With that in mind, if a future possible companion happens to read this.....the takeaway is:

Mine!

When we order take out from the cool sushi place the one with the great vegan options, make sure that if you want some seaweed salad that you order some seaweed salad. I'll happily get you all the seaweed you want but know this, I'm going to get 2 orders of seaweed salad and I'm going to eat both of them and you can't have any of mine.  Doesn't mean I don't love you, I just love food more.