His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Skip Guidry Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and the Uncrowned King of Scotland

If I was in charge, like really in charge, like emperor of the world, king, supreme commander with special emergency powers that bestowed upon me hegemonic control..... I could fix a bunch of shit right away.  I would be a true philosopher king. There would however, be blood.  Shit would get real and right quick.

Fix number 1:  Health care

Ready?.....

Health Care for things you do to yourself is NOT a right, it's a privilege.

Self inflicted illnesses and conditions are not covered until the behaviour that caused them is stopped.

Or in laymans terms: if you did it to yourself, fuck you, you're on your own.

The majority of the illnesses plaguing America can be CURED by diet, exercise and hydration.  Eating right (vegan), walking, running or biking daily, and drinking enough water.  Those three things, diet, exercise and hydration will CURE most of the health issues in America.  DIET, EXERCISE AND HYDRATION WILL CURE MOST HEALTH ISSUES.... IT FUCKIN' CURES MOST ILLNESSES. HELLO IS THIS THING ON?  CURES ALMOST EVERYTHING!!!!!

The cure for everything, who knew?

Let me break it down further.  If you are a fat fuck (like me) and you have congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, joint pain etc.... until you lose the weight and modify your diet no meds or treatments are covered.  Health care for self inflicted shit is a privilege not a right.

It has to be this way.  Tough love is the only love.  I know that I wont change until I absolutely have to.  It's human nature.  We have to be forced to take care of our selves.  If forced... we will, if not forced... we wont.  As supreme ruler I'm here to bring the tough love.

I've been to the doctor for lots of self inflicted conditions and they don't even bother to suggest behaviour modification.  I asked my doctor why and he said.  "No one will do it so why waste my breath."

Well now that I'm in charge you have to change or die.  If you're obese and diabetic your meds are no longer free or covered until you lose weight.  Is this sinking in?  If you can make it better with diet and exercise and hydration you have to or you must pay for your own treatment and meds. Until you lose the weight, change the diet, drink some fuckin water..... no meds or treatment.  Get it? Lets move on shall we?

If you are a drunk and need a liver too fuckin bad.  If you can pay for it fine, if not, fuck you.

Smokers with COPD?  You guessed it, fuck you, you'll get nothing and like it.

I'm not saying you can't smoke or drink or be fat.  Do what you want but now YOU take the risk not the rest of us.  You have to pay your own way.

If you drink and drive and get hurt, no coverage.

If you injure yourself while pursuing a dangerous hobby, no coverage. You don't get to jack up my insurance premiums because you "just had to go parasailing in Cancun" and now you need 4 operations and 6 months of rehab to learn to walk again.

Obesity alone costs America $200 BILLION every year.  Add to that accidents from motorcycles, jet skiing, parasailing, heli-skiing, wilderness hiking ($3 million every time one of those assholes get's lost and the park service has to rescue them).  Smoking and drinking contribute to multiple health problems.  The CDC reports that smokers cost the country $96 billion a year in direct health care costs.  Alcohol costs us about $223 Billion.  I've just saved us a half a trillion dollars in ONE FUCKIN YEAR!  

With the money saved by not covering self inflicted shit we could fix this broken system.  Money enough to cure cancer, Spina Bifida, MD, MS and other horrible shit that afflicts people thru no fault of their own.

There is precedent for this.  I have a motorcycle license and I took the safety course so I can ride without a helmet in states that allow it.  But if I choose to not wear a helmet and I get into a wreck I am responsible for head injuries, not the state, not my insurance, me.

So forced personal responsibility is my fix for health care.  Tune in each week for fixes for over population, crime, abortion, the war on drugs and immigration reform.  

Oh and one last thing about health care.  We're going back to the old school nursing uniforms.  I've been married 3 times, all nurses.  Its clear I have a problem.  But what's the use if being in complete control if you can't abuse it just a little.

So...you don''t smoke Crack, like at ALL? I mean can you do that? Is it safe? I would be worried.

I am a survivor of a life threatening addiction.  I have many friends who are survivors as well.   Me and my krewe cover the gamut, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, eating disorders and food.  I and my pals have managed to stop acting out (for the most part) on these addictions.   Our friends and family are generally supportive.  But none of them would suggest to us that drinking or using drugs or gambling or anonymous sex with a stranger in a bus stop bathroom is a good idea.  Even though most of what I know about life I learned in a mens room on the turnpike, but I digress.

Now that I'm trying to stop eating addictive,  processed foods and go vegan, friends and relatives are actively encouraging me to stop.  They seem truly worried that I'll get sick. Worried that it's dangerous.  People who have seen me eat three double Quarter Pounders w/cheese are worried that my quinoa, kale, onion, pepper stir fry is going to leave me anemic, weak and ill.  Now that's a triumph of marketing.

A cousin who is a college administrator and former professor sent me a recent study about vegetarians and increased risk of certain diseases*.   My family and friends often cite imagined statistics about the need for meat, the dangers of veganism, how I'm going to hurt myself by quitting "real" food.

The processed food loddy juggernaut has truly changed reality.  We even joke about rewarding ourselves with food we KNOW to be awful for us.  "I deserve to eat something bad, I've been good all week"

The food industry has hit on the perfect drug.  And that's really what it is, a drug.  The drug that addicts EVERYONE who uses it.   Basically combinations of processed sugar, flour, animal fat and salt. Each food company hopes to tweak the formulae to achieve the perfect combination and produce a product that is universally addictive.  McDonalds is the Cali-Cartel of the food industry drug pushers.  They have it down to a science and believe me there are guys in lab coats who work for McDonalds.

In fact every big food company has guys in lab coats researching their food.  Not to make it better for you but to make it more addictive.

Even the diet food, no ESPECIALLY the diet food.  Diet food is a trap.  Oh, let me tell you about "Diet" food.

The 12 step group for this addiction is Food Addicts Anonymous.  Their program is strict and rightly so.   Here is where it ties into diet food.  FAA was founded by a woman, lets call her Linda, who was briefly an executive with a international diet food company that bears a womans name.  Linda a dietitian with an MBA who struggled with her weight all her life had just joined the company with high hopes and a sense of real purpose.  Linda dutifully reviewed the food plans and recipes of the company and discovered some problems. Linda worked up some fixes that would make the program MORE successful.  Really help clients lose weight, get healthy and keep the weight off for life.

Linda brought these fixes to the big diet food company founder and president, let's call her "Jenny".  Linda made her presentation.  Jenny looked at Linda, shook her head, then explained as though to a child "We can't make those changes."  "Why?" asked Linda.  "Because that would kill our repeat business.  And repeat business is ALL of our business".  The diet foods are DESIGNED to fail.  To work short term and then have you fall right back into your addiction.  A stunned Linda quit and founded FAA.

Look I'm not saying everyone has to do what I'm doing.  Just as there are people who can drink a little and not ruin their lives, there are people who can eat addictive foods and remain healthy.  People who can hang out in the mens room, at the park, at night and play "just the tip".  I'm not one of them.

So while I appreciate the concern if you come at me with your uninformed bullshit I will respond.  If you suggest to me my diet is unhealthy, you will get the vegan rant in full force.  But hey if you adopt my philosophy of "eat and let eat" we can all just get along.

* An Austrian study (click here to read the study) of vegetarians not vegans.  Vegetarians tend to consume more dairy which is the likely culprit in the increase in some health problems.

You don't need 2 feet to put one foot in front of the other.

I love this scene in Dodgeball.  Sadly it is appropriate for this post.  And of course I too love "The Ocho" 

Here is my tale of shame, turned around by a friend.

I had planned to walk/jog the Crescent City Classic 10k this year but was busy talking myself out of it.  I didn't need to spend the money, I'm injured, I have a blister, my knees are bad, I need new running shoes,Blah blah blah wah wah wah.  Then my friend and fellow comic, Jake Potter asked me if I'd walk it with him.  That put all my excuses into perspective, 'cause Jake in on crutches after a recent amputation taking 8 inches MORE of his left leg.  

A tale of 2 egg rolls or Food is better than Sex

When I tell people food is better than sex they often say "Well you must be doing it wrong".  I say to them, you're the one doing it wrong, the food part.  A good meal lasts longer, often feels better and is as satisfying when you're alone as when you're with others.  

You can do it 6 or 7 times a day EVERY day.  In the car while driving, at work, really anywhere, anytime with anyone or alone.  An entire industry is in place to provide you with food in all its forms day or night.  If you're poor the government will give you money to buy food.  Churches offer free food.  In Vegas you can get sushi delivered on a naked woman.  Who's the star of that show?  The food!

I'm too sexy for my weight

Obesity is NOT attractive.  Not to say that one cannot find an overweight person attractive.  I am living proof that the generosity of women in that regard never ceases to amaze.  I'm saying that we are biologically, instinctively attracted to people who are NOT obese.  And I can prove it.

I blame Al Copeland

My drift into morbid obesity, my first 100 extra pounds is all because of chicken magnate, serial bridegroom, and larger than life self promoter, Al Copeland.  Allow me to expand.

When I got out of the army in 1986 I had already pushed my weight from 164 to 180.  My first real job was managing a Popeyes restaurant for the Marriott Corporation, Marriott considered acquiring the chain.  After training I went to work in Rockville Maryland the area where I grew up.  This was the busiest store in the region.  Lines out the door every lunch.

Your table is ready Mr. Guidry, would you prefer cymbals or non cymbals?

I close my eyes and I can see it: I was in a suit, starched shirt, cuff links, fiddling with my Dunhill lighter on the perfect white table cloth.  There was food, wine, jazz, the clinking of ice in crystal and the laughter of beautiful women.  There was staff standing by to fulfill my every need. Heaven.  I was in my favorite place in the world,  a restaurant.