You can't say you weren't told

"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." - Morpheus –The Matrix

What if everything you believed about diet and food and illness was wrong?

What if you knew, I mean really KNEW, that to keep eating what you're eating will absolutely make you emotionally miserable, physically sick, fat and make you die sooner?

What if you knew that what you feed your kids is setting them up for illness, disease and an early death?

Broken wings

When you lay a motorcycle down (you never "crash") you join a club.    There's even insignia.  The broken wing patch. 

I laid one down in 1986 and although I walked away, it was years before I was riding again. 

I laid my bike down yesterday, it was less dramatic then in 1986.  No ambulance, no police report, no wings to sew on the leather jacket.  I was only going about 1 mile an hour when it happened but it was enough to get bloody and break a rib. 

What's for dinner? Miracle Noodles, thats what's for dinner!

It was a simple dinner, fettuccini with meatballs in a tomato mushroom spinach sauce with a little mozzarella cheese and a dollop of sour cream.  I've made it dozens of times.  Except this time it was dairy free, meat free and PASTA free, with no added salt.  I tried ZERO CALORIE Miracle Noodles.  And I'm never going back.

The meal was packed with protein, fiber, micro nutrients and totaled less than 200 calories per serving....  200 calories.  The regular way I made it ran quadruple that (about 800 calories a serving) and was full of sugar/carbs, fat and cholesterol. 

The Gravy

I'm old and rickety.  Chronologically my age is 49 but my "real" body age was 80 when I started this effort to get fit.  80....  That really means "dead" because it's doubtful I'd have make it to 80 the way I was going. 

Lugging my body for miles on a treadmill takes a toll on the joints. They say every pound above the knees adds 4lbs of pressure on the knees. Since I'm carrying an extra 80+ pounds, all of it above the knees BTW, that's an extra 320lbs of pressure on my scrawny, scarred, weak, knobby knees.  

I am doing it though. On the treadmill 5 days a week.   I'm on track for 20 miles this week (17+ so far in 4 sessions).  20 miles on the treadmill.  Hours and hours of more than 300lbs banging on my 80 year old knees.  Thank God for "The Gravy". 

Yoga aint so tough, I've mastered the corpse position after one session.

I have begun to practice yoga.  I over did it the last 3 days. 4 miles + daily on the treadmill 3 days in a row and a bike ride. I needed a rest and rebuild day and decided to "take it easy" with some yoga...HA!

 I found a good beginner video online and started this morning.  Well "started" may over state things.  I'll be more specific.  I've begun to grunt and sweat thru a series of beginner poses and stretches that I can do at about 20%.  Except the corpse pose.  I got that one down.

You got what, a 6 to 8 week training program? Which is perfect for me! I'm gonna leave here a lean green fighting machine!

In March of 1983 I entered training...ARRRRRMMMMY TRRRAAAING SIR!  I was a few weeks

shy of 19 years old, I weighed 237lbs at 5'10" tall.  But I had just lost 15 lbs in a week because I was measured at 5'9" the week before and was over the max  weight threshold to enlist.  I came back a week later, having cut weight like a fighter, and of course they measured me at 5'10.5".  I got in with 25lbs to spare.  But that was just to get in.  The Army was going to slim me down, or so my recruiter promised.

The only easy day was Yesterday

I'm a cynic. I hate sappy stories and contrived situations to create drama.  As such I despise reality TV.  With one exception.... Navy SEALs BUDS Class #234. A Six Hour Series for The Discovery Channel that follows 80 candidates of Class 234 and their efforts to become US NAVY SEALS. You WILL feel the pain after watching the physical and mental challenges these candidates are faced with.  It is inspiring and motivating. 

They have a motto in SEAL training, "The only easy day was Yesterday". Which makes sense when the candidates are being evaluated and trained by hardened SEALs operators.  They aren't just looking for potential SEALs, they are looking for potential team mates.  If you were picking someone in who's hands you might someday put your life, you'd be hard on them too.   Of the 80 who start day one; 17 make it and become SEALs, including a 17 year old kid (he turns 18 by graduation but still).   The training is unbelievable, but so are SEALs.

I'm training someone on whom I have to depend, whom I must trust with my very life.  I'm training me.  I can't choose another candidate, I'm stuck with me.  I now realize I'm taking it way too easy on this guy.

OMG 70.3 miles....

I've seen the sun come up in New Orleans before but usually because I was STILL up.  This past Sunday morning, at 6:30 am, Kay and I were driving into an industrial area of New Orleans East.  Over rail road cars, past a small airport and into the Southshore Harbour Marina for the start of the Ironman 70.3 New Orleans.


This is the race I am in training for... next year.  I wanted to take a look first hand at what I was getting into.  I am more motivated than ever. And a little terrified.

Good vs evil? Maybe.

Is there a moral imperative to eat better?  Does following a righteous path require consideration of what you eat?  Maybe. 

If I were a religious man looking at the the diet of America, I would assume that processed food is the work of the devil.  Cheap plentiful, tasty, drug like food that makes you feel good for a moment and then makes you sick and lethargic.  Food that masquerades as "good" but makes you lazy and obese and slothful.   Food that requires the systematized slaughter and mistreatment of animals to feed the massive demand.  Food that destroys the environment in it's mass production with chemicals and fertilizer.  Shiny tasty poison, drenched in blood.  Definitely the work of the devil. 

Where the winners weigh!

I'm playing my scale like a slot machine.  Common good number! Common 7.....lbs down!  And like most gamblers, I'm playing too often and playing when I can't afford to lose.  This last week has been discouraging on the old slot/scale.


I'm stuck at 30lbs...  Now to put that in perspective I've lost 30 Pounds!  That's great but I got there 5 days ago.  I keep bouncing up a pound, down a half, up 2, down 3....It's maddening.

I have a super teched out scale with BMI and Body Fat percentage.  I'm down in every category BUT weight.  That's good BUT....  I am so damn fat and so ready to get it off me.

I rode my bike to and from work yesterday and the fat of my distended stomach was rubbing on my thighs as I pedaled...  That's gross to imagine I know, but it's even worse to experience first hand.  I am so tired of being fat!

Patience, I know....  it was 10 miles into the woods, it's 10 miles out.  Blah blah blah.

Vanity, definitely my favorite sin - Satan (Al Pachino, Devils Advocate)

I love to wear suits. I've been wearing suits since I was in high school. My buddy and partner in crime back in the day, John Pella and I suited up almost daily one semester junior year. We wanted to play lawyers in a school play and got into it. That was the beginning. I've been a closet clothes horse ever since.

Live Más

Last month Taco Bell introduced a second taco wrapped in a Dorito shell. Doritos Tacos Locos , in Cool Ranch! The commercial announcing the new taco was dubbed "the worlds most obvious idea" and was even supported by Buddhist Monks (well actors playing monks).... There were count downs at Taco Bell locations and people had parties.... We are all going to Taco Hell, if we can fit our fat asses thru the gates.

Health wise it would be better to let your kids smoke cigarettes then let them eat at Taco Bell, really. The Slogan should be "Live menos!"

Put down the fork or the terrorists win!

The problem with America is it's filled with fat people.  And the problem with fat people is, they're, well, fat.  I have a plan to fix most of the big problems in America (big problems...get it?).  All we have to do is throw all the fat people under the bus.  Luckily, due to my particular brand of self loathing, I'm OK with that.  But first some background.

(Less) Fat Ninja

My boy is funny, as we recall from the reading (F is for Guidry).  Durring a visit in December we played video games and I was able to win the occasinoal round.  I of course I beat my chest and bragged about it.  "I'm like a ninja" I explained, "lightning fast reflexes".  I left him to his Mine Craft and was working in my office when I got this text. 

"Hey, Fat Ninja, how about some lightening fast snacks up here? -Beau"

And a nick name was born.  I cant deny I'm fat, and I won't deny my Ninja skills so Fat Ninja was born.  Well...not exactly.

Lots of "Fat Ninja" on the web.  A gamimg company, a comic book, endless sad pictures. 

Here's two of my faves:

 

When I went to see him this past weekend he noticed my weight loss and said "Hey, I guess you're like 'less fat Ninja, now".  I'll take it.

 

I got a thing about chickens.

I was in a van with some co-workers yesterday and we passed a truck headed to Sanderson Farms.  Sanderson Farms is a large local employer and operates huge regional chicken processing plants.  The truck was stacked about 10 cages high with multiple animals in each cage.  Chickens off to processing.

Now I'm not a militant animal rights vegan.  My choice is about health.  Looking at the bottom cages on the truck, the yellow and brown birds, colored by the waste of the 20 animals above it....I'm happy I have made the choice.

I did a little research about chickens.  Yikes!

No excuse, Sir!

Absolute accountability is a foreign concept for most people.  It is for me, but on purpose.  I assiduously avoid personal responsibility.  As anyone who has tried to call me on my shit will attest;  I'm a slippery and evasive so and so. Not only is it not MY fault it's probably something you did.  I have a black belt in emotional judo.  I am a Jedi master at rationalization.

That's not to say I don't understand the concept of absolute accountability.  I do.  I learned it in the Army. 

In the service there is an expression used when you fail to meet a goal; you are "wrong".  And there is only one thing to say when you are "Wrong"  and that is: "I have no excuse, Sir!"  There was no mitigation or litigation. No reasons why, no opportunity to explain.   If you failed you were "Wrong" and there is no excuse. And that was the end off it. 

Be here at 09:00 hrs.... at 09:01 you are "Wrong". Actually at 09:00 you were wrong because O.T.I.S. (on time is late).  And how do you respond when you are wrong? "I have no excuse, sir!

There is no excuse for my being so damn fat.  None.  I have lots of reasons, lots of well worn explanations, even a few carefully crafted medical arguments. Things like:

My family loves food and uses food to demonstrate love, so it's how I was raised.
I'm wired for carb addiction biochemically, so I was born this way. 
We live in a society where it's hard to get healthy
Healthy food costs more
I have physical problems that make exercise difficult.
BLAH BLAH BLAH....

These are the sad, weak excuses of an addict, of a drunk or a junkie explaining why they can't stop drinking or shooting dope.  Food is definitely my drug of choice and I am a fiend.

Every bit of food that went into my mouth got there by my own hand. I am 100% responsible for my current obesity.

I failed at the simple task of feeding myself in a way that was not life threatening. I AM WRONG! and I HAVE NO EXCUSE!

The good news is I am 100% responsible for getting fit as well. 

In the past I have failed to properly motivate myself.  I thought of this scene in Full Metal Jacket

I was a disgusting fat body, I was unfit to serve, but I am born again Hard.  I'm too old to serve as an infantryman in his beloved corps but at least I can not die of a pathetic, obesity related disease.  Good night Chesty, wherever you are!

 

Quest for kimchi

I was born in the south but I wasn't raised in the south.  So I missed out on lots of things.  Fixin' cars, hunting, being a racist...... and being afraid of foreign food.

The south has great tasting food but also has a bit of xenophobia with regard to cuisine.  If its not a Chinese buffet or deep fried (insert animal, vegetable, mineral here)....you're not gonna get the average Mississippian excited about it.   You hear me Paula Dean?

ROAD TRIP! Vegan dairy free, gluten free, flax seed cracker snacks for everyone!

I'm headed to Austin to see my boy this weekend.  The drive is one I've made scores of times in the last 5 years.  I know every truck stop and bad food choice on the 500 mile route.  In fact Kay and I have planned gas stops at particular truck plazas because they have a particular food item.  The amazing milkshake machine at a Loves outside of Houston and the Habanero cream cheese filled Taquitos at the Flying J near Beaumont.

I could easily do 3000 calories on that drive, bags of chips, Monsters, jerky, cheese, more chips, trail mix, drive thru burgers ( I once stopped for burgers 4 times in 8 hours). 

Soon to be a major motion picture

I'm taking a few pictures and shooting a little video every Friday.  The idea is to have the raw footage for a massive montage in a year and be able to graphically depict the goal of losing a 100lbs.   Yes I am already planning for the triumphant success video.  I'm working on a book cover (Get Fit or Die Tryin') and have ideas for a pod cast (fat guy on a treadmill).   Oh, I'd like Philip Seymour Hoffman to play me in the movie.

Hubris you say?  Schmaybe... I think of it as accountability.  Especially now that I'm announcing the Montage Project. (pronounced "pro-jeay)

It's just a stutter step, no biggie.

I skipped a workout; Yesterday morning.  I just wasn't up to it.  I hadn't slept, I convinced myself the gate would be locked again and I just couldn't break the inertia.  I vowed to work out when I got home from work at 7pm.

I felt guilty about it all day.  It really worried me that this would be the moment where I blew it.  Where I just fell off the wagon and couldn't get back on.  I had to keep this promise to myself.

And those whiny Cambodians complained about the Khmer Rouge

Every day is not a holiday, every vegan meal is not a feast, every paycheck is not a fortune and every workout is NOT an orgy of endorphins.  Sometimes it's just a miserable, painful experience you have to get thru.  This morning was such a workout. 

First I had to "break into" the little workout room.  There is a 3'6" gate around the pool at my complex.  The workout room is in this area.  There is a lock on the gate to get into the pool area and today it was locked.

It's not easy being green - Kermit T. Frog

It's even harder being vegan.  Especially in a small town in the fattest state in the USA.  Welcome to McComb, MS population 25,000.  Living a healthy life here is a bit of a challenge. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It's not what it looks like. 

I did my morning exercise at the little workout center in my apartment complex.  It's about a 100 yards from my apartment.   This morning I drove my wife to work and then on the way back I stopped at the workout center.  As I left the little gym I was spotted by a few neighbors getting into my car and driving the 100 yards to my apartment.   It kills me.   I did not (as it would appear) DRIVE 100 yards from my apartment to WALK on a treadmill.    For some reason it really bothers me that someone thinks that....why do I care?

I've always cared too much about what people think.  My father has never cared.  He is the gold standard of "I could give a damn".  To illustrate I give you: A Tale of Two Take Outs:

My Ninja!

My blender can kick you blender's ass.  I just acquired a serious blender.  It is already making all the difference in the everyday kitchen chores of the fledgling vegan chef.  It is the Ninja BL500 Professional Blender. 

"I know I'm going to have a hangover, just not today" Tom Hester

My life is all about avoidance of pain.  I want to feel good all the time or at the very least not hurt.   That is my main motivation, to not hurt and by "hurt" I mean feel ANYTHING bad.   Of course I know I'll have to stop eating crap eventually..... just not today.

"F" is for Guidry

My family says "F%*K".  My sisters and I, my father, even occasionally my mother.  In fact the family song at holidays is: "What the world needs now, is to shut the f%*k up, 'cause that's the only thing that there's just too little of". 

The shtick at family gatherings is to respond to a question with "shut the f%*k up".  Like, if I said: "You know what I feel like doing?" the response would be an innocent "I don't know, shutting the f%*k up?".  That's just how we roll, Murry Chrimah, now STFU!

Why does a dog lick his.....

Weight loss surgery is for the weak.  There, I said it.  Getting the surgery is admitting that you are not capable of modifying your behavior.  "Wah Wah I can't stop eating, I'm addicted!"  Having your body altered physically so you will not eat yourself to death is pathetic. 

The surgery was a success!

Weight loss surgery is the moral equivalent of putting a plastic cone around a dogs head to keep the dog from ripping out stitches.  We can't "tell" the dog to leave the stitches alone because, well, it's a dog!  So to keep the dumb animal from hurting himself we physically alter the dog.   It's a sad and temporary fix for people who have the self control of a dog.   I know because I am that dog.  I had weight loss surgery 8 years ago, chewed thru the cone, and here I am again.

No sugar, no flour, no wheat, no oil, no salt, no animal products... What's left?

A whole bunch it seems.  Embracing the vegan thing firmly and whole heartedly.  OK so some egg whites accidentally lept into a curried veggie thing I was cooking a few days ago but I'm 99% there. 

Dinner last night was Black Bean Soup with Cashew Sour cream, Veg medley of Mushrooms, Greens, Barley and Beans with an entree of Roasted Eggplant, Almond Milk blended with ice for desert.  We were satisfied and stuffed.

I need a better blender to get the cashew sour cream thing to work right but for a first try it was fine. 

I'm trying to do lots of prep; to have lots of ingredients pre cooked and in the fridge so I can mix and match and reheat for a quick meal. 

I made some veggie burger patties with lentils, beans and TVP (textured vegetable protein). They're in the fridge awaiting the frying pan.

Gonna do baked Kale Chips tonight to have a crunchy snack for work for when the pop corn machine gets cranked up.

There are lentils, beans (red and pinto), spilt peas, barley, quinoa, onions, garlic, mushrooms and peppers, made or prepped and ready to cook in the fridge.  And in the freezer are spinach, kale, mustard greens, turnip greens, squash, broccoli, cauliflower, and onion/pepper mix.  Lots of lemons and fat free vegan salad dressing, Bragg's liquid Amino's, and my home made hot sauce.*

A word about quinoa.  My step daughter Erin, (a fitness warrior who changed her life and lost 115lbs thru diet and exercise over 13 months), saw the quinoa and asked what the hell it was.

So I began a long winded, Cliff Claven-esque, explanation:  Quinoa is a whole grain and has many health benefits.  I first heard about it in an article about an American runner who went to the rain forest to stay with this tribe of running people.  The running tribe basically only ate quinoa and corn.  Either in a mashed up paste or a diluted drink.  They had no heart disease, cancer, mouth or teeth problems and even 60 year old's ran 100 miles a week.

She politely listened and later when her sister, Caitlin stopped by and asked the same question.  Erin told her "Those are Skip's Amazon Running grits"  Yes they are.  No wonder she was teacher of the year.

Going to attempt vegan cashew cream cheese soon and will report.


*Home made hot sauce.  When I prep peppers I chop lots of them.  So I'll get Jalapeno, Habenero, and basically every pepper the store has fresh.  I take the tops and seeds and ribs that I trim off and stuff them in a recycled and washed Bragg's Liquid Amino's bottle, I add white vinegar and water 60/40 and let it sit for a few days shaking it when ever I am near it.  The result is a great hot sauce seasoning for everything.  I need to make a cool label to stick on the bottle.

"You'll get nothing and like it!" - judge Smails

I have a tremendous sense of entitlement I feel like I deserve everything.   I am Spaulding Smails.  "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato sala-"...I need someone to scream: "You'll get nothing and like it!".  Where's Ted Knight when you need him? Ted is gone but Judge Smails lives on.  Click here for MP3  (Is it obvious that Caddy Shack was on cable this week? )

"So I've got that going for me, which is nice!" -Carl, Assistant Greens Keeper

What is fitness worth?  The Dali Lama suggests that the true measure of the value of something is not how much money it costs but rather, what you had to give up to acquire it.  Personal cost = value, I like that. What did you have to give up.....

If you could just "buy" health and fitness that would be one thing, but you can't. Having money can certainly makes it easier to eat better and get fit.   Even with a personal chef and personal trainer, the fitness attained by the rich is not "better"; the rich don't get "more" healthy.  The rich get the same health and fitness as anyone else, it just cost them more money.   You can't pay someone to eat right and work out FOR you.  Rich or poor you have to do the work yourself. In this way at least, health and fitness is an equalizer.