Times a wastin'

I can't sleep lately.   It feels like there is too much to do and not enough hours in the day to get it all done.  Tonight I over did the caffeine and worked out too late.  Now I'm all hyped up and left with my racing thoughts.  Racing they are.


I read somewhere that men who do anything of import typically do so between 40 and 60.   I'll buy that.  It takes 40 years for some of the immaturity to fade.  40 years to begin to see things clearly.    I'm in the middle of that span of life and am just now getting some traction; finding a little focus.  I finally feel awake, alert and oriented   Better late then never I guess.  To finally "grow up" at 49 is a little depressing.  But much better than the alternatives; Dead or never have been awakened, to continue to drift, rudderless, that would be so much worse.  I know I've wasted so much time.  I just don't want to waste anymore. 

By the most generous of estimations I am more than half way thru my life.  More like two thirds really.  And of the time I might have left I'd be lucky to have 10-15 really productive years. Years I can be effective.  Time I can use to get something done.

Lately I have a feeling accomplishing something may be possible.  I feel awake, alive, alert and able, truly able.  I got problems for sure but they don't worry me as much.  Its not that I've been relieved of my problems but now I'm encouraged BY them.  I'm embracing my demons  rejoicing in my faults.  I'm having an "ah ha!" moment.  I need the skeletons in my closet.  They are the record of my earned wisdom.  My faults, mistakes and weakness are hand in hand with my strengths and abilities.   It's gestalt.  This has been coming for a while. Everything in my life had to go the way it did so I can be here, now.

I may be having an Epiphany.  Not in a flash but more a slow, deep, burning awakening.  I realized tonight that all my mistakes, all my flaws lead me here to this moment, this place, these circumstances.   And in this place on this path, not only are all my abilities of value, all my character defects are of use as well.

I have been both built AND broken in exactly the right ways to make me of use.  To myself and maybe now to others.  And that I believe is the purpose of life.    "To become of maximum service to God and your fellow man"

I don't want to get into a big ol' debate about God; well I kinda do but message me privately ;-).  But for sake of argument lets just say God is "humanity" in the above fortune cookie.  That is the purpose of life:  To become of maximum service to humanity as a whole AND the specific people you encounter in your life everyday.  Not just to do the most good but also to improve your ability to do good so you can do even more good.  Quality counts.  If nothing else, attempting that purpose will provide a life worth living.

It's funny how it works.  I set out on a selfish and vain path.  To get fit and be healthier.  All about "me".  In working on myself I am finding that I affect others.  I also have discovered strengths I never imagined.  Personal motivation and character for which I often gave myself no credit.

I admit it I am lazy at heart.  It is easier to be weak than strong.  I have always been a path of least resistance kind of guy.  check out the path of least resistance post here

I have been content to think small and be small and take what was offered.  To set my sights low and be content with little.  I can't sleep tonight for racing thoughts and surging ambition.   I feel alive and awake and ready.

Here is one of my favorite quotes, sometimes attributed to Nelson Mandela but actually by activist author Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

 I could go all Nightingale Conant with the motivational quotes but let me just say this:
  I feel purposeful for the first time in a long time.  I know I can get things done.  
Amazing the effect of just a few weeks of sticking to a plan, feeding my body correctly, 
treating myself with care.  I want to do more.  I want,  no I need to be of service. 

Or maybe I just need to eat some melatonin about 7 pm every night. Oops my negativity 
 is waking up.Before my cynical side takes over and starts making light of all this
 let me sum up:

Time is running out.
I have a plan to become of service to humanity and those around me.
I have the skills and energy to enact the plan.

I'll leave you with this bit of perfection from Hotel California, an orchestral reprise of the Wasted time melody.  As I listen to it I know that there is hope in the world.  All will be well.