"You'll get nothing and like it!" - judge Smails

I have a tremendous sense of entitlement I feel like I deserve everything.   I am Spaulding Smails.  "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato sala-"...I need someone to scream: "You'll get nothing and like it!".  Where's Ted Knight when you need him? Ted is gone but Judge Smails lives on.  Click here for MP3  (Is it obvious that Caddy Shack was on cable this week? )
I've been Spaulding my whole life, I want, I want... I've had that very thought many, many, many times.  And since I was about 16 I've been getting whatever I wanted, eating what ever I wanted at least.  I was in charge of my food.  Basically a messed up teenage boy was managing my life and I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.  In fact, I thought I deserved it! How could I not?  Life was shitty, food works and there was no voice of reason to tell me otherwise. 

I'm not trying to avoid responsibility.  "I'm fat cause no one told me not to eat everything when I was a latch key kid".  That was a long time ago (33 years ago) and I have been exposed to the truth about health, diet and fitness MANY, MANY times between then and now. 

Now I know that I don't "deserve" anything.  I only deserve only what I "earn".  And I haven't earned anything except 44% body fat, high blood pressure and bad cholesterol.

I was in the Army with a guy who measured desert by how much exercise it would take to burn it off; Ice cream = 600 crunches.   I read about an ultra marathoner, (100 miles at a time) who would occasionally eat at Burger King after a race. That's "earned".  Me I just want what I want like a big baby.  My motto has always been, "No pain?, No pain!"

Most of all I certainly didn't earn any cake, just because it's my birthday.  And that's what this post is about. 

I just had a birthday and all day long people were trying to talk me out of my very strict diet because it was my birthday. "You deserve to splurge today"  they would say "It's your birthday you can have a little something special"  I think this is a completely backwards way of thinking.  I want to be more strict on my birthday, as a present to myself.

I asked for and received, a new gym bag, water bottle and running shoes (thanks Kay Kay!).  Am I going to rock the new kicks while I hork down some chocolate cake and ice cream?  I hope not.

I think I am wired completely wrong, and maybe we all are.  Here's an example:  I dreaded going to the gym Monday but I dragged my ass up there.  After the endless warm up I began to feel great.  I was energized and awake.  Alert and pumped up.  I finished the 45 minutes on the treadmill and was all fired up feeling wonderful.  But the next day I felt the same way....dreading it. 

I want my body and mind to learn this new lesson.  I want exercise to be my instinct.  Feeling down?  Go do some cardio!  Not how I'm currently wired;  Feeling down?  Go eat 3,000 empty calories of cheese and carbs.  You're sad?  go do 20 miles on the bike, you deserve it. 

I am impatient (see post Instant Gratification takes too long).  I want a lifetime of ingrained behaviour to be washed away by knowledge and a few weeks of sincere effort.  I want what I want when I want it, (as we recall from the reading.)

The more I do it the easier it will become.  The more I exercise the tough self-love muscle (that sounds wrong "exercise the self-love muscle").  Let me try it another way.  I need to be more strict because that means I love myself.  The more I do it the more I will want to do it.  Keep it up and it's a habit.  Once it's a habit it's earned. 

To quote Judge Smails again:

"I've sent boys younger than you to the gas chamber, I didn't want to do it....I felt I owed it to them."

I owe myself some tough love, that may be the only thing I actually have earned.

And we're done with Caddy Shack references for the moment.