A little zen in my bike maintenance today for real

Had to handle some  basic bike maintenance today.  I found myself on the back porch of my mothers house in the New Orleans suburbs. It had just rained. There were little drops hitting the tin roof randomly,  in the background I could hear a large wind chime gently pealing and bonging in the early summer breeze. Normally I'd have my headset blaring some speed metal or dance track but today it was just the rain and the wind and the chimes and the bike and me, pretty close to perfect.

The work I was doing was preparing the Walmart bike for passing along to someone else. I just can't do it anymore it's not up to my needs and I  have a nice Giant hybrid I'll be riding in the meantime.

I am in the market for good used tri bike, it might not be till late this fall but I will have one.  Updates on that on everything shortly. 

Big changes happening just not sure yet how to put them out into the world.

Woo Hoo ! I'M JUST OBESE! (no longer morbidly obese)

Not that it is important.. weight is just a number, health is the goal, but... I now weigh less than I did when I joined the Army in 1983.  I weigh less than the lie I told the DMV when I got my Mississippi Drivers License.  I am down 62 pounds in 3 months.  I know the easy part is over, every pound from now on out will be harder to lose, BUT, this is a great start.  It's OK to take a moment and appreciate the progress.

Truth be told it was not crazy hard and I am not starving, in fact I slipped a little the other day.  More on that in a minute.

I'm really starting to believe that I can do this.  Lose 100+ pounds and become healthy and fit before I turn 50 next year.  By eating for health rather than eating for pleasure the tide has really turned.  I am now only OBESE!  Not MORBIDLY OBESE!  pretty cool huh?

OK now about the "slip".  I have my excuses all lined up.   I was lonely and depressed.  But most of all I was hungry, actually, for real, hungry.

I had gotten lazy on the food prep and shopping so there was little to eat in the house.  My stomach was growling,  I felt weak.  That's when addiction get's ya.  When you're weak.  I went out for a drive.  Not looking to score jut too see if my boys were on the corner.   That's when I drove by my local dealer.  He was workin the corner like always, my boy Mac D was steady slingin 24-7.    I rolled thru and got a double cheese burger, fries and a coke.  Like it was nothing, in broad daylight, they sold me poison and even took a debit card.

I'd love to report that it made me sick.  I want to tell you that it didn't taste good.  But I can't.  It was awesome.  The salt and fat and carbs were wonderful.  I almost got sick because I was eating so fast.  I had to pull over and make myself slow down.  Damn, the chemists and food technicians that put together the McDonald's menu know what they're doing.  The combination of tastes and chemically enhanced smells is unparalleled.  I was stuffed and in a food coma for about 20 minutes.

My body did react though about 3 hours later the "meal" went right thru me.  What was produced was an atrocity.  It was shocking after months of very predictable and generally unremarkable movements to produce this war crime of waste.

I'm back on the plan and ready to tackle the next 40 pounds.  But hey 60 pounds...  I am stoked. 

Juicy

I have this one, and it is awesome!

I officially started juicing this week.  I opted for the kitchen sink approach, carrot, tomato, red chard, turnip greens, collard greens, celery, bell, jalapeno and scotch bonnet peppers. 

I guess my body is not used to nutrition.  I am buzzin'.  I had to sip because it is just so chock full o' goodness.  The juice is strong.  I ended up adding some water.  I'm gonna call this juice mix "The Truth"  because as it turns out, I just can't handle the truth.

Yet the truth is just what I need.  Lots and lots of truth.  Juicing is a great way to boost nutrition, lose weight and feel better fast.  I made about two quarts this morning of fresh juice and this afternoon as I'm on the last bottle I feel wonderful.  Juicing is now officially part of the Team Guidry training and health plan.  I am joining a movement which has a storied history.

Times a wastin'

I can't sleep lately.   It feels like there is too much to do and not enough hours in the day to get it all done.  Tonight I over did the caffeine and worked out too late.  Now I'm all hyped up and left with my racing thoughts.  Racing they are.


I read somewhere that men who do anything of import typically do so between 40 and 60.   I'll buy that.  It takes 40 years for some of the immaturity to fade.  40 years to begin to see things clearly.    I'm in the middle of that span of life and am just now getting some traction; finding a little focus.  I finally feel awake, alert and oriented   Better late then never I guess.  To finally "grow up" at 49 is a little depressing.  But much better than the alternatives; Dead or never have been awakened, to continue to drift, rudderless, that would be so much worse.  I know I've wasted so much time.  I just don't want to waste anymore. 

You don't need vision to be a Visionary

Memorial Day weekend,  I took my 9 year old Beau to the USA Para-Triathlon National Championship which was run in conjunction with the Capitol of Texas Triathlon.  We did the Expo Sunday and then watched the race Monday.  The whole experience was wonderful. 

The event sold out with 3000 participants registered.  Professionals, amateurs, first timers and the para-athletes, it was amazing.  But the best part by far was watching my son as he cheered on the para-athletes, running up to high five and hug them as they came across the finish line.

First the expo, Sunday May 26th

Extra Extra Extra Extra Extra Large

The biggest size I ever bought was a 5X-L.  At my top weight (335lbs) in 2005.  It was a t-shirt from, where else, Walmart.  It actually fit nicely.  It was one of the many last straws.

America loves them "Extra Large".  'cause that's 'merica man!  We like everything writ extree large!

In my case it was writ extra, extra, extra, extra, extra large.  That's crazy.  What

must the 97lb garment sweat shop workers think?  But to be fair my usual size was only extra extra extra large.  Extra extra extra large is conveniently annotated at Walmart by a black plastic ring on the neck of the hanger.   I drifted between extra extra large and extra extra extra large most of my adult life.

Baby steps across the pool

I've been told I was made to swim, like a Manatee. I'm buoyant in the water.  It's now my favorite exercise because I don't sweat; In the water I mean. I sweat constantly during exercise but swimming is wonderful.   No sweat just cardio.

I started swim training today and it was a big hit.  No knee pain, no back pain, no sweat; Just good old fashioned fatigue and some welcome soreness that says I was working hard.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” Hippocrates

America is a country of addicts there is no other way to see it.

Food was a drug I abused.  I was an addict.  I used food to feel better.  It's a short term fix with horrific side effects.  Most of the people I know see food that way.  Food is not fuel to run the body or a source of nutrition for care and repair of the body.  Food was just a drug used to change how I felt in the moment.   A junkie who needed a fix.  Food was my drug of choice.   It's actually a lot of peoples drug, especially in Mississippi.

"Food is the most widely abused anti-anxiety drug in America, and exercise is the most potent and underutilized antidepressant."  - Bill Phillips

Trading short term pleasure for long term pain.

My son Beau is 9 years old.  He likes chicken nuggets, Cheetos, Koolaid and Sour Patch candy.  He also can get down on some veggies.  He eats carrots and broccoli by the pound, (dipped in ranch but still).  He'll put a hurt on some spinach, he digs almond milk on his oatmeal; Loves him some grapes, kiwi, asparagus, all different kinds of fruits and veggies. 

At 9 he eats a better variety of nutritious foods then most of the Mississippi adults I know.   He's ahead of the game in many ways.

Oh oh the Wells Fargo Wagon's comin' down the street, oh please let it be for me.

Oh a simpler time, waiting for the stage to bring that big box from the Sears Roebuck.  A gingham dress for Emmie Lou, a new pair of boots for paw and that modern wash board mommas been

wantin'.   I'm waiting on the stage as well.  For supplies I can't get here in the wilderness of McComb Mississippi. But not from Wells Fargo.  My Wells Fargo wagon is FedEx-Home and they're bringing my Amazon.com orders.


Finding the things I need to make it work here as a fledgling vegan and an aspiring triathlete requires effort, planning and patience. Making due with the limited offering's of the various grocery stores and occasionally going into town for supplies. Buying equipment at Walmart, struggling with the workout options (more on this later).  For everything else there is Amazon.com and FedEx-Home

I can see by your outfit that you are a .... triathlete

I was getting dressed this morning for a ride.  I just got my new cycling gloves in from Amazon and was pulling them on when it hit me....  bike cleats, compression , padded cycle pants, compression shirt under bike jersey, Iron Man Timex and IM shades, riding gloves, helmet....  It hit me....  I'm wearing a costume.  I'm in a calculated, brightly colored, nearly skin tight costume.   And I'm strangely OK with that. 

I think Mick Jagger said "All performers are drag queens".  If he didn't he should have. 

Louie Anderson Signature edition



Most triathlons require that you wear a wetsuit for the swim.  I just ordered my first.  Biggest size they carry.  It came today, it fits, no I will not be posting a picture.... yet.  Hopefully I'll be buying a new much smaller one by next year for Iron Man.

I found a lap sized pool in McComb and am working out the hours so I can get there two or three days a week.  The pool is only open 8-5 and my work schedule makes that an issue.  However it seems to be working out. 

Another favorite quick and tasty

Rocked some stuffed twice baked potatoes last night.  Baked them (not steamed) then scooped out the meat, replaced half with spinach and artichoke, cashew sour cream, topped with non dairy cheddar and red peppers.  Re-baked and delicious! 

The "vegan dosen't suck" recipe of the week.

I am rockin' some vegan grub.   This weeks fav is a roasted veggie wrap with tofu roast beef and non dairy cheese.  Here it is.

Packin' heat on the bike.

I was rollin' up Parklane Rd and I got stepped to.  Not the first time either.  I let it go before but it's time to stand my ground and step up.  There's a dog that chases me on my bike, he got bold and nipped my heel yesterday.  Now I'm packin' heat.  3 million BTU's of heat.

I don't want to spray the dog, well at least I didn't til yesterday when he nipped at me.   He actually got my heel in his mouth.  I just can't have that. 

I don't want to be that guy....

You know the one, "that guy" who can't eat anywhere, asks a hundred questions of the server, makes everyone suffer for his dietary restrictions... I refuse to be that guy.

Especially when the dining out is for a special occasion like mothers day.  So I take steps to ensure I am not a drag on the outing.  I do some research, check out the website and menu for the restaurant.  So when mothers day rolled around I was prepped and ready.  I did two meals out with mixed results.  Here are my reviews.

"Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh"- Al Swearengen: Deadwood

Today I used my USA Triathlon member number for the first time.  To register for the Eighth Annual King of Hill Triathlon at Tombigbee State Park, in Tupelo, Mississippi; June 29, 2013.  Now I have a deadline.  I'll need all my triathlon crap in one place by then.  Bike, wetsuit, and decent running shoes.  Oh and I'll probably need to be ready to swim a half mile, bike 20 miles and run 3.2 miles by then as well.

I've got some goals, like lose 100+ pounds, reverse some health issues and become fit.  I'm on my way to achieving them but these are goals that lack hard deadlines.

I've got a big long term goal with a deadline, the Iron Man 70.3 in April 2014, but that's a long way off, (sometimes it seems like it will be here tomorrow, but still).

I needed a closer deadline to make this all get real.  So we're off to the Tupelo KotH; I just paid the registration fee and booked the hotel room for this, my first triathlon, so this is real. 

Deadlines are a big deal.  I know, because it was one of the few things my father ever taught me on purpose.  Allow me to explain.

Zen and the art bicycle maintenance.

Last week I fell off my bike and broke a rib.  It was embarrassing and painful.  At my wife's insistence I took the week off from exercise.  I say my wife's insistence but I couldn't have run if I wanted to.  I was a hurting puppy.  Still am really.

I tried to get on the treadmill this morning and was smacked down by the hand of pain.

This is a set back at the moment.  Minor but annoying.  I had momentum.  I was charging forward.  Now I'm afraid to take a deep breath.

"What cha readin' fer?" - Bill Hicks

One of my favorite bits by Bill Hicks (comics' comic and social comentary genius), has Bill in a Waffle House reading a book and the waitress asks him "What cha readin' fer?".  His response; "I guess so I don't end up a Waffle waitress" 

I get a similar question.  "What cha stop eating shit fer?"  But the answer is not so obvious.

I’ve made changes in my diet and lifestyle that are radical.  As a result I have lost significant weight (7 weeks 42lbs) and it is noticeable.  I’ve had quite a few people ask me about it. I tell them I went vegan. They want to know why.  Why now?   Answering that simple question is harder than it should be.  Honestly I don't know. 

It's not enough that the changes I am making are healthy, smart and prudent.  That they were desperately needed.   Not enough that I will undoubtedly live better and longer as a result.  Those are not good enough reasons because I needed to make those changes for those reasons everyday for the last 30 years.  

Add to that, that I live in Mississippi, USA; the fattest state in the fattest country in the history of the world.  Talk about eating for optimum health in Mississippi.... people will automatically look at you like you're crazy.  "Wait a minute, you don't eat no bacon... no cheese... none at all....why? You like sick er sumpin'?"

So again:  Why all this change and why now?

Truthfully I have no explanation.  I'm not dying (well not more than usual), I'm not like sick er sumpin' (well I could call in sick everyday and never be lying but I'm not acutely sick).  I just happened to be exposed to the right info at the right time and it all fell into place.   Suddenly it all seemed to make sense.

Not Milk?

OK I'm about to rant.  If you disagree please comment.  But fair warning, I've been researching for weeks and I got this down.  And I read it all on the Internet so it must be true.   Oh and it is pretty gross as well so not for the faint of heart.

MILK, It does a body wrong.

Cow's milk, if discovered today, would be illegal, classified as unsafe for human consumption. More than 75% of the worlds population is lactose intolerant, meaning they can't properly digest dairy, so by definition dairy is unnatural for the vast majority of humans to consume.  Dairy has NO beneficial nutritional value,  contributes to a host of medical problems, is a filthy product and it is expensive.  Each sip contains growth hormones, fat, cholesterol, allergenic proteins, blood, pus, antibiotic, bacteria, feces and harmful viruses. 

Thats a lot to digest (like milk) so lets break it down and start with the worst.  There is shit and pus in milk. 

Let me say that again...there is shit and pus in milk.  In hard cheese there is 10 times the level and concentration of the shit and pus in milk; In ice cream, 12 times.  SHIT AND PUS....IN THE MILK!

First the shit:

You can't say you weren't told

"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." - Morpheus –The Matrix

What if everything you believed about diet and food and illness was wrong?

What if you knew, I mean really KNEW, that to keep eating what you're eating will absolutely make you emotionally miserable, physically sick, fat and make you die sooner?

What if you knew that what you feed your kids is setting them up for illness, disease and an early death?

Broken wings

When you lay a motorcycle down (you never "crash") you join a club.    There's even insignia.  The broken wing patch. 

I laid one down in 1986 and although I walked away, it was years before I was riding again. 

I laid my bike down yesterday, it was less dramatic then in 1986.  No ambulance, no police report, no wings to sew on the leather jacket.  I was only going about 1 mile an hour when it happened but it was enough to get bloody and break a rib. 

What's for dinner? Miracle Noodles, thats what's for dinner!

It was a simple dinner, fettuccini with meatballs in a tomato mushroom spinach sauce with a little mozzarella cheese and a dollop of sour cream.  I've made it dozens of times.  Except this time it was dairy free, meat free and PASTA free, with no added salt.  I tried ZERO CALORIE Miracle Noodles.  And I'm never going back.

The meal was packed with protein, fiber, micro nutrients and totaled less than 200 calories per serving....  200 calories.  The regular way I made it ran quadruple that (about 800 calories a serving) and was full of sugar/carbs, fat and cholesterol. 

The Gravy

I'm old and rickety.  Chronologically my age is 49 but my "real" body age was 80 when I started this effort to get fit.  80....  That really means "dead" because it's doubtful I'd have make it to 80 the way I was going. 

Lugging my body for miles on a treadmill takes a toll on the joints. They say every pound above the knees adds 4lbs of pressure on the knees. Since I'm carrying an extra 80+ pounds, all of it above the knees BTW, that's an extra 320lbs of pressure on my scrawny, scarred, weak, knobby knees.  

I am doing it though. On the treadmill 5 days a week.   I'm on track for 20 miles this week (17+ so far in 4 sessions).  20 miles on the treadmill.  Hours and hours of more than 300lbs banging on my 80 year old knees.  Thank God for "The Gravy". 

Yoga aint so tough, I've mastered the corpse position after one session.

I have begun to practice yoga.  I over did it the last 3 days. 4 miles + daily on the treadmill 3 days in a row and a bike ride. I needed a rest and rebuild day and decided to "take it easy" with some yoga...HA!

 I found a good beginner video online and started this morning.  Well "started" may over state things.  I'll be more specific.  I've begun to grunt and sweat thru a series of beginner poses and stretches that I can do at about 20%.  Except the corpse pose.  I got that one down.

You got what, a 6 to 8 week training program? Which is perfect for me! I'm gonna leave here a lean green fighting machine!

In March of 1983 I entered training...ARRRRRMMMMY TRRRAAAING SIR!  I was a few weeks

shy of 19 years old, I weighed 237lbs at 5'10" tall.  But I had just lost 15 lbs in a week because I was measured at 5'9" the week before and was over the max  weight threshold to enlist.  I came back a week later, having cut weight like a fighter, and of course they measured me at 5'10.5".  I got in with 25lbs to spare.  But that was just to get in.  The Army was going to slim me down, or so my recruiter promised.

The only easy day was Yesterday

I'm a cynic. I hate sappy stories and contrived situations to create drama.  As such I despise reality TV.  With one exception.... Navy SEALs BUDS Class #234. A Six Hour Series for The Discovery Channel that follows 80 candidates of Class 234 and their efforts to become US NAVY SEALS. You WILL feel the pain after watching the physical and mental challenges these candidates are faced with.  It is inspiring and motivating. 

They have a motto in SEAL training, "The only easy day was Yesterday". Which makes sense when the candidates are being evaluated and trained by hardened SEALs operators.  They aren't just looking for potential SEALs, they are looking for potential team mates.  If you were picking someone in who's hands you might someday put your life, you'd be hard on them too.   Of the 80 who start day one; 17 make it and become SEALs, including a 17 year old kid (he turns 18 by graduation but still).   The training is unbelievable, but so are SEALs.

I'm training someone on whom I have to depend, whom I must trust with my very life.  I'm training me.  I can't choose another candidate, I'm stuck with me.  I now realize I'm taking it way too easy on this guy.

OMG 70.3 miles....

I've seen the sun come up in New Orleans before but usually because I was STILL up.  This past Sunday morning, at 6:30 am, Kay and I were driving into an industrial area of New Orleans East.  Over rail road cars, past a small airport and into the Southshore Harbour Marina for the start of the Ironman 70.3 New Orleans.


This is the race I am in training for... next year.  I wanted to take a look first hand at what I was getting into.  I am more motivated than ever. And a little terrified.

Good vs evil? Maybe.

Is there a moral imperative to eat better?  Does following a righteous path require consideration of what you eat?  Maybe. 

If I were a religious man looking at the the diet of America, I would assume that processed food is the work of the devil.  Cheap plentiful, tasty, drug like food that makes you feel good for a moment and then makes you sick and lethargic.  Food that masquerades as "good" but makes you lazy and obese and slothful.   Food that requires the systematized slaughter and mistreatment of animals to feed the massive demand.  Food that destroys the environment in it's mass production with chemicals and fertilizer.  Shiny tasty poison, drenched in blood.  Definitely the work of the devil. 

Where the winners weigh!

I'm playing my scale like a slot machine.  Common good number! Common 7.....lbs down!  And like most gamblers, I'm playing too often and playing when I can't afford to lose.  This last week has been discouraging on the old slot/scale.


I'm stuck at 30lbs...  Now to put that in perspective I've lost 30 Pounds!  That's great but I got there 5 days ago.  I keep bouncing up a pound, down a half, up 2, down 3....It's maddening.

I have a super teched out scale with BMI and Body Fat percentage.  I'm down in every category BUT weight.  That's good BUT....  I am so damn fat and so ready to get it off me.

I rode my bike to and from work yesterday and the fat of my distended stomach was rubbing on my thighs as I pedaled...  That's gross to imagine I know, but it's even worse to experience first hand.  I am so tired of being fat!

Patience, I know....  it was 10 miles into the woods, it's 10 miles out.  Blah blah blah.

Vanity, definitely my favorite sin - Satan (Al Pachino, Devils Advocate)

I love to wear suits. I've been wearing suits since I was in high school. My buddy and partner in crime back in the day, John Pella and I suited up almost daily one semester junior year. We wanted to play lawyers in a school play and got into it. That was the beginning. I've been a closet clothes horse ever since.

Live Más

Last month Taco Bell introduced a second taco wrapped in a Dorito shell. Doritos Tacos Locos , in Cool Ranch! The commercial announcing the new taco was dubbed "the worlds most obvious idea" and was even supported by Buddhist Monks (well actors playing monks).... There were count downs at Taco Bell locations and people had parties.... We are all going to Taco Hell, if we can fit our fat asses thru the gates.

Health wise it would be better to let your kids smoke cigarettes then let them eat at Taco Bell, really. The Slogan should be "Live menos!"

Put down the fork or the terrorists win!

The problem with America is it's filled with fat people.  And the problem with fat people is, they're, well, fat.  I have a plan to fix most of the big problems in America (big problems...get it?).  All we have to do is throw all the fat people under the bus.  Luckily, due to my particular brand of self loathing, I'm OK with that.  But first some background.

(Less) Fat Ninja

My boy is funny, as we recall from the reading (F is for Guidry).  Durring a visit in December we played video games and I was able to win the occasinoal round.  I of course I beat my chest and bragged about it.  "I'm like a ninja" I explained, "lightning fast reflexes".  I left him to his Mine Craft and was working in my office when I got this text. 

"Hey, Fat Ninja, how about some lightening fast snacks up here? -Beau"

And a nick name was born.  I cant deny I'm fat, and I won't deny my Ninja skills so Fat Ninja was born.  Well...not exactly.

Lots of "Fat Ninja" on the web.  A gamimg company, a comic book, endless sad pictures. 

Here's two of my faves:

 

When I went to see him this past weekend he noticed my weight loss and said "Hey, I guess you're like 'less fat Ninja, now".  I'll take it.

 

I got a thing about chickens.

I was in a van with some co-workers yesterday and we passed a truck headed to Sanderson Farms.  Sanderson Farms is a large local employer and operates huge regional chicken processing plants.  The truck was stacked about 10 cages high with multiple animals in each cage.  Chickens off to processing.

Now I'm not a militant animal rights vegan.  My choice is about health.  Looking at the bottom cages on the truck, the yellow and brown birds, colored by the waste of the 20 animals above it....I'm happy I have made the choice.

I did a little research about chickens.  Yikes!

No excuse, Sir!

Absolute accountability is a foreign concept for most people.  It is for me, but on purpose.  I assiduously avoid personal responsibility.  As anyone who has tried to call me on my shit will attest;  I'm a slippery and evasive so and so. Not only is it not MY fault it's probably something you did.  I have a black belt in emotional judo.  I am a Jedi master at rationalization.

That's not to say I don't understand the concept of absolute accountability.  I do.  I learned it in the Army. 

In the service there is an expression used when you fail to meet a goal; you are "wrong".  And there is only one thing to say when you are "Wrong"  and that is: "I have no excuse, Sir!"  There was no mitigation or litigation. No reasons why, no opportunity to explain.   If you failed you were "Wrong" and there is no excuse. And that was the end off it. 

Be here at 09:00 hrs.... at 09:01 you are "Wrong". Actually at 09:00 you were wrong because O.T.I.S. (on time is late).  And how do you respond when you are wrong? "I have no excuse, sir!

There is no excuse for my being so damn fat.  None.  I have lots of reasons, lots of well worn explanations, even a few carefully crafted medical arguments. Things like:

My family loves food and uses food to demonstrate love, so it's how I was raised.
I'm wired for carb addiction biochemically, so I was born this way. 
We live in a society where it's hard to get healthy
Healthy food costs more
I have physical problems that make exercise difficult.
BLAH BLAH BLAH....

These are the sad, weak excuses of an addict, of a drunk or a junkie explaining why they can't stop drinking or shooting dope.  Food is definitely my drug of choice and I am a fiend.

Every bit of food that went into my mouth got there by my own hand. I am 100% responsible for my current obesity.

I failed at the simple task of feeding myself in a way that was not life threatening. I AM WRONG! and I HAVE NO EXCUSE!

The good news is I am 100% responsible for getting fit as well. 

In the past I have failed to properly motivate myself.  I thought of this scene in Full Metal Jacket

I was a disgusting fat body, I was unfit to serve, but I am born again Hard.  I'm too old to serve as an infantryman in his beloved corps but at least I can not die of a pathetic, obesity related disease.  Good night Chesty, wherever you are!

 

Quest for kimchi

I was born in the south but I wasn't raised in the south.  So I missed out on lots of things.  Fixin' cars, hunting, being a racist...... and being afraid of foreign food.

The south has great tasting food but also has a bit of xenophobia with regard to cuisine.  If its not a Chinese buffet or deep fried (insert animal, vegetable, mineral here)....you're not gonna get the average Mississippian excited about it.   You hear me Paula Dean?

ROAD TRIP! Vegan dairy free, gluten free, flax seed cracker snacks for everyone!

I'm headed to Austin to see my boy this weekend.  The drive is one I've made scores of times in the last 5 years.  I know every truck stop and bad food choice on the 500 mile route.  In fact Kay and I have planned gas stops at particular truck plazas because they have a particular food item.  The amazing milkshake machine at a Loves outside of Houston and the Habanero cream cheese filled Taquitos at the Flying J near Beaumont.

I could easily do 3000 calories on that drive, bags of chips, Monsters, jerky, cheese, more chips, trail mix, drive thru burgers ( I once stopped for burgers 4 times in 8 hours). 

Soon to be a major motion picture

I'm taking a few pictures and shooting a little video every Friday.  The idea is to have the raw footage for a massive montage in a year and be able to graphically depict the goal of losing a 100lbs.   Yes I am already planning for the triumphant success video.  I'm working on a book cover (Get Fit or Die Tryin') and have ideas for a pod cast (fat guy on a treadmill).   Oh, I'd like Philip Seymour Hoffman to play me in the movie.

Hubris you say?  Schmaybe... I think of it as accountability.  Especially now that I'm announcing the Montage Project. (pronounced "pro-jeay)

It's just a stutter step, no biggie.

I skipped a workout; Yesterday morning.  I just wasn't up to it.  I hadn't slept, I convinced myself the gate would be locked again and I just couldn't break the inertia.  I vowed to work out when I got home from work at 7pm.

I felt guilty about it all day.  It really worried me that this would be the moment where I blew it.  Where I just fell off the wagon and couldn't get back on.  I had to keep this promise to myself.

And those whiny Cambodians complained about the Khmer Rouge

Every day is not a holiday, every vegan meal is not a feast, every paycheck is not a fortune and every workout is NOT an orgy of endorphins.  Sometimes it's just a miserable, painful experience you have to get thru.  This morning was such a workout. 

First I had to "break into" the little workout room.  There is a 3'6" gate around the pool at my complex.  The workout room is in this area.  There is a lock on the gate to get into the pool area and today it was locked.

It's not easy being green - Kermit T. Frog

It's even harder being vegan.  Especially in a small town in the fattest state in the USA.  Welcome to McComb, MS population 25,000.  Living a healthy life here is a bit of a challenge. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It's not what it looks like. 

I did my morning exercise at the little workout center in my apartment complex.  It's about a 100 yards from my apartment.   This morning I drove my wife to work and then on the way back I stopped at the workout center.  As I left the little gym I was spotted by a few neighbors getting into my car and driving the 100 yards to my apartment.   It kills me.   I did not (as it would appear) DRIVE 100 yards from my apartment to WALK on a treadmill.    For some reason it really bothers me that someone thinks that....why do I care?

I've always cared too much about what people think.  My father has never cared.  He is the gold standard of "I could give a damn".  To illustrate I give you: A Tale of Two Take Outs:

My Ninja!

My blender can kick you blender's ass.  I just acquired a serious blender.  It is already making all the difference in the everyday kitchen chores of the fledgling vegan chef.  It is the Ninja BL500 Professional Blender. 

"I know I'm going to have a hangover, just not today" Tom Hester

My life is all about avoidance of pain.  I want to feel good all the time or at the very least not hurt.   That is my main motivation, to not hurt and by "hurt" I mean feel ANYTHING bad.   Of course I know I'll have to stop eating crap eventually..... just not today.

"F" is for Guidry

My family says "F%*K".  My sisters and I, my father, even occasionally my mother.  In fact the family song at holidays is: "What the world needs now, is to shut the f%*k up, 'cause that's the only thing that there's just too little of". 

The shtick at family gatherings is to respond to a question with "shut the f%*k up".  Like, if I said: "You know what I feel like doing?" the response would be an innocent "I don't know, shutting the f%*k up?".  That's just how we roll, Murry Chrimah, now STFU!

Why does a dog lick his.....

Weight loss surgery is for the weak.  There, I said it.  Getting the surgery is admitting that you are not capable of modifying your behavior.  "Wah Wah I can't stop eating, I'm addicted!"  Having your body altered physically so you will not eat yourself to death is pathetic. 

The surgery was a success!

Weight loss surgery is the moral equivalent of putting a plastic cone around a dogs head to keep the dog from ripping out stitches.  We can't "tell" the dog to leave the stitches alone because, well, it's a dog!  So to keep the dumb animal from hurting himself we physically alter the dog.   It's a sad and temporary fix for people who have the self control of a dog.   I know because I am that dog.  I had weight loss surgery 8 years ago, chewed thru the cone, and here I am again.

No sugar, no flour, no wheat, no oil, no salt, no animal products... What's left?

A whole bunch it seems.  Embracing the vegan thing firmly and whole heartedly.  OK so some egg whites accidentally lept into a curried veggie thing I was cooking a few days ago but I'm 99% there. 

Dinner last night was Black Bean Soup with Cashew Sour cream, Veg medley of Mushrooms, Greens, Barley and Beans with an entree of Roasted Eggplant, Almond Milk blended with ice for desert.  We were satisfied and stuffed.

I need a better blender to get the cashew sour cream thing to work right but for a first try it was fine. 

I'm trying to do lots of prep; to have lots of ingredients pre cooked and in the fridge so I can mix and match and reheat for a quick meal. 

I made some veggie burger patties with lentils, beans and TVP (textured vegetable protein). They're in the fridge awaiting the frying pan.

Gonna do baked Kale Chips tonight to have a crunchy snack for work for when the pop corn machine gets cranked up.

There are lentils, beans (red and pinto), spilt peas, barley, quinoa, onions, garlic, mushrooms and peppers, made or prepped and ready to cook in the fridge.  And in the freezer are spinach, kale, mustard greens, turnip greens, squash, broccoli, cauliflower, and onion/pepper mix.  Lots of lemons and fat free vegan salad dressing, Bragg's liquid Amino's, and my home made hot sauce.*

A word about quinoa.  My step daughter Erin, (a fitness warrior who changed her life and lost 115lbs thru diet and exercise over 13 months), saw the quinoa and asked what the hell it was.

So I began a long winded, Cliff Claven-esque, explanation:  Quinoa is a whole grain and has many health benefits.  I first heard about it in an article about an American runner who went to the rain forest to stay with this tribe of running people.  The running tribe basically only ate quinoa and corn.  Either in a mashed up paste or a diluted drink.  They had no heart disease, cancer, mouth or teeth problems and even 60 year old's ran 100 miles a week.

She politely listened and later when her sister, Caitlin stopped by and asked the same question.  Erin told her "Those are Skip's Amazon Running grits"  Yes they are.  No wonder she was teacher of the year.

Going to attempt vegan cashew cream cheese soon and will report.


*Home made hot sauce.  When I prep peppers I chop lots of them.  So I'll get Jalapeno, Habenero, and basically every pepper the store has fresh.  I take the tops and seeds and ribs that I trim off and stuff them in a recycled and washed Bragg's Liquid Amino's bottle, I add white vinegar and water 60/40 and let it sit for a few days shaking it when ever I am near it.  The result is a great hot sauce seasoning for everything.  I need to make a cool label to stick on the bottle.

"You'll get nothing and like it!" - judge Smails

I have a tremendous sense of entitlement I feel like I deserve everything.   I am Spaulding Smails.  "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato sala-"...I need someone to scream: "You'll get nothing and like it!".  Where's Ted Knight when you need him? Ted is gone but Judge Smails lives on.  Click here for MP3  (Is it obvious that Caddy Shack was on cable this week? )

"So I've got that going for me, which is nice!" -Carl, Assistant Greens Keeper

What is fitness worth?  The Dali Lama suggests that the true measure of the value of something is not how much money it costs but rather, what you had to give up to acquire it.  Personal cost = value, I like that. What did you have to give up.....

If you could just "buy" health and fitness that would be one thing, but you can't. Having money can certainly makes it easier to eat better and get fit.   Even with a personal chef and personal trainer, the fitness attained by the rich is not "better"; the rich don't get "more" healthy.  The rich get the same health and fitness as anyone else, it just cost them more money.   You can't pay someone to eat right and work out FOR you.  Rich or poor you have to do the work yourself. In this way at least, health and fitness is an equalizer.

Building self esteem, one cheap pop at a time.

A "Cheap pop" is comedy slang for a comment to an audience that elicits automatic applause.  You say something obvious and pandering (therefore "cheap") and it receives the expected "pop" of applause. You know what I'm talking about, performers and politicians use them all the time.  Statements like:  "Lets give it up for the troops"  "God Bless America" (Lee Greenwood) or Bush, arm draped around a firefighter, even SNL bringing out the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir to sing Silent Night, Super Duper Turbo Nuclear Cheap Pop


My CD is made in China but 'merica man!

Bush with NYFD Prop

I want to hear the Sandy Hook jokes the SNL guys wrote.



 But personal Cheap pops are my favorites: "Hey everyone, I just... (insert joyous event here) got married, engaged, had a baby, having a baby; 

How much do you tip the drummer?

Music makes you move.  Slave drivers on galley ships knew this long before the Walkman and MP3. The pounding drum on a galley ship moved the rowers along.  There is an instinctual need to move with the beat.  That and the guy with the whip.

Nosmo King

I smoke cigarettes.  Only a few packs a week but I do smoke.  It's time to quit.  I'm feeling it after I work out, and in the morning and right now actually as I just put one out.  It sucks being a smoker.  I hate it really.  But it's got me and it's not letting go.

Telemetry Schlemetry

I need a bike.  To ride for exercise and for the Triathlon next year.  I googled "cheap Triathlon Bikes" and found an article in Cycle Review titled "Best Tri- Bikes under $2000"  Evidently the "Geometry and Telemetry" of tri-bikes is special and you need carbon fiber frames and all kinds of other specialized shit. Triathlete, please; I'm not racing, I'm finishing.

A real tri bike can go $5,000 and up.  Those guys running the IronMan on TV are on cycles in the low 5 figures.  I'm just a fat guy who needs a bike that will hold my weight.

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

The gym can be intimidating, especially if you're old and fat, like me.  The gym I used in New Orleans was all fancy.  It was a state of the art shrine to fitness.  A huge facility with high ceilings and glass walls, a juice bar, spinning and step classes; and buzzing over the equipment like bees in a hive were ripped, skinny, fit, pretty people in coordinated work out clothes.  I did not fit in.

Where I work out now is a little different.  I use the gym at the Cardiac Center of SMRMC, the hospital where my wife works. 

Live long and prosper.

I'm a newly minted vegan.   All shiny and smiling!  I said it, I'm a VEGAN.  And after researching it I can't understand why everyone else is not.  It's this guys fault; Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I challenge anyone with health or weight issues to read his book Eat to Live or watch his video and not at least question their eating habits. 

For me, it's not a moral choice it's a selfish choice.  I want to live a better, longer healthier life.  I don't care about saving animals, plants are alive too after all.  I an just interested in optimum health.  And I don't know why it took me so long to care about myself.

The path of least resistance... why there are crooked rivers and crooked men.

My brain is screaming at me to go eat something.  I woke up at 3am with hunger pangs.  A rarely felt sensation.  I took me a minute or two to identify the feeling.  I doubt I've been actually hungry in decades.
The main problem for me with diet, exercise and weight loss is that it feels unnatural.  It's like swimming upstream against a strong current.  Whereas eating what I want, when I want is like floating down stream on a tube with a beer.  This mindset is deeply ingrained. 

No specific un-aided recollection

I've always been envious of celebrities and the rich.   Because they can afford a personal chef. I thought that would be the way to go. My own chef, who would prepare delicious lo-cal food for me at every meal. That would make getting and staying fit easy.

And then I thought about it. I have a personal chef, ME. I just must hate my client (also me). Cause I've been feeding him garbage for years.

I'm sorry Mr. Guidry but you've exceeded the recommended lifetime allowance for food, I'll need your card please

I have eaten more than I should all my life.  In fact I'm sure I've already eaten a lifetimes worth of food and then some.  

If we were issued a card at birth with with a lifetime's worth of food credits on it, I'd be done already.  I'd be drinking only water, (plenty left on my water card), from now until I died in 10 or 12 days.  Unless of course someone dies prematurely and I can take their food card, but who can I kill?  

Hey, there's an idea for a TV series , "Hungry". It's Logan's Run meets Hunger Games.  Perfect for the SciFi network.  Before I flesh it out, better check to see if Phillip K. Dick already wrote it.

I'm not just telling you, I'm telling everyone!

One of the main purposes of writing this blog is because it will help me get to the IronMan 70.3 in April 2014.  How will sarcasm, bad puns and the random derision of Subway Jarod help me get to the  IronMan , you ask?  Allow me to explain:

Studies show that people who write down thier goals, achieve those goals more often than people who don't.  So I'm writing this stuff down AND, bonus.... I'm puting it out there for othes to see; to enroll others in my quest and therefor my eventual success.  Hence, der blog. For me it makes this real.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

I'm getting some negative push back from select family and friends, (who are of course morbidly obese), about my current endeavor.  "It can't be healthy" they opine or "My doctor told me to never fast" they lie. Or my favorite "My Jenny Craig adviser said it never works and you'll just put it all back on." .... Basically the fat people are saying "Hey stop it already! You're doing this the hard way, I only want to hear about easy ways.  Because if the hard way works and really it's the only way, I'm screwed.  So stop trying or fail already so I can avoid taking responsibility for my health and well being."

Jack not Jared

I'm fasting at the moment.  Well not really "fasting"  because I'm doing a cleansing juice fast and still taking in about 800 calories/day but for an American? Especially a doughy middle class white southern American?  Not eating food is fasting.  Now 5 days in I'm starting to feel the grip of Food loosening.  I'm obsessed with food, the getting, storing, prepping, preparing consuming.... its a huge part of my day, and my life. 

Why does your pig have a wooden leg?

My first workout felt like a long long joke with a weak punch line.   Mainly because I followed the plan.  And the plan requires a warm up which, in my case, will be 4 times longer then the actual work out. 

A fitness expert once explained to me in detail why warming up before exercise is so important.  Especially when you are over 30 (or way over thirty), overweight (or way over weight) and have joint or other physical issues (BFG issues supercenter, how may I direct your call?). I wont bore you with the technical stuff but anecdotally, I tried to short cut the warm up in the past and ended up on the couch with both knees in soft casts packed in ice.  So I am a believer.

“Instant Gratification takes too long.” - Carrie Fisher

I have been here before. The beginning, the grand plans, the joining up for this and signing up for that and buying the special what not. What has done me in in the past is impatience. Wouldn't it be great to get diet and exercise results at the same rate (and with the same ease) as you gain weight and go to pot?

Becoming a BFG was soooo easy, even wonderful. I love food, and movies and food and doing nothing, and did I mention food?

Fast and Furious

Whenever I have done this fast in the past I always hear from people; “you know fasting don't work, right?” or “you can really hurt yourself fasting”. Well let me clarify I hear that stuff from FAT people. Only fat people think fasting doesn't work. Skinny people know it works, cause that's how you stay skinny, you eat almost nothing. Well almost nothing compared to what I, a disgusting fat body eats.

Now before you go all "don't be so hard on your self" and "you've been thru a lot recently" and  "give your self a break" DON'T!

This is not punishment, or abuse, this is love. Self love.

There are many who believe that caloric restriction and or intermittent fasting is a key to a longer and heather life. I'll include some links to wiki articles below.

But here is my theory:

Humans are not designed to sit and eat all day. We were hunter gathers who evolved farming and food production faster than our bodies evolved to adjust to the constant presence of food.

We were running around eating what we found or killed and some days there was none. Some days there was plenty but most days there was not.

I think (and there is research to back this) that we humans function best, are healthiest when we can't sit and eat all the time. Imagine having to really physically work for food? What if you had to walk several miles to gather some berries and that was it for the day? Burning calories to get fewer calories.

Now we have processed food everywhere. The waiting room where I work has cookies and cakes and doughnuts, you know just in case a customer is between meals.   And of course it's all processed carb heavy foods that can last in a plastic wrapper for a year or two.

Carbohydrates = sugar, period. Especially processed carb food like bread/wheat/pasta/cakes...all the complex carbohydrates that make up the average American diet. And processed carbs like cake and pasta are to natural carbs what crack is to cocaine. Stronger, faster acting and a destroyer of lives.

Look at what happens to aboriginal populations once processes food is introduced? People who have never seen a tooth brush but have amazingly strong, perfect white teeth look like life long meth addicts in a matter of months once introduced to processed food. Diabetes and obesity are rampant in aboriginal populations introduced to a processed food diet. We eat shit.  Mostly figuratively (but occasionally literally in the form of processed meat products, see/read Fast-food Nation and never buy a burger again), and get the expected results.

I think of Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans, he ran about 6 marathons on film and ate like a hand full of berries and half a squirrel the whole time. Who wins marathons? 50 Year old, 105lb, barefoot Kenyans. I'm just saying, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and many other killers of average Americans can be CURED by diet, proper hydration and exercise; that’s right CURED buy walking, drinking water not sodas and putting down the fork!

But I digress, back to the Master Cleanse. Not a proper fast but rather a liquid only extreme low calorie cleansing diet for 10-30 days. Pioneered 60 years ago by a health nut who was arrested for practicing medicine without a license but hey even a broken watch is right twice a day.

Since it's inception the diet has been used widely and with great success. I have done it twice in the past to jump start a new program. It works for me so I love it.

In 8 oz of pure water add 2 tbs of fresh squeezed lemon juice, 2 tbs of dark amber class b pure maple syrup and a big dash of cayenne pepper. You can make it a gallon at a time by adding 1.5 cups juice, 1.5 cups syrup and a heaping tbs of cayenne. Pour out about 3 cup of a gallon jug of purified water first and you're all set. Using organic products is said to aid in the detox and the organic lemons taste better I think.

Directions:

You drink 8-16 glasses of the lemonade a day and lots of water....thats it.

To boost the cleanse aspect a morning “flush” is recommended. 16oz of water with 2 tbs of un-iodinized salt gulped down as fast as possible on an empty stomach. Then an evening laxative Herbal tea like the aptly named Smooth Move.

This is where the “Fast and Furious” pun fleshes out. Fast and then run furiously to the toilet.

But you also lose weight fast and furiously. And the more you have to lose the faster it comes off. So I can conservatively expect to lose 15-20 pounds in 10 days. Not a misprint (or bad math Scott ;-)) but reality. When you're a BFG it comes off quick.

Here's some links to support my weak ass assertions and the wild leaps of assumption committed above:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_fasting

http://www.healthinfonet.ecu.edu.au/chronic-conditions/diabetes/reviews/our-review

http://www.examiner.com/article/many-indigenous-people-who-never-brush-their-teeth-also-never-get-tooth-decay

http://themastercleanse.org/

350,000 - Numbers dont lie

A journey of 350,000 calories begins with single step. 350,000 calories = 100lbs, or more specifically 350,000 is the number of calories you would need to burn in order to lose 100lbs and conversly 350,000 is the number of calories you would need to consume in order to gain 100lbs. These are of course "net calories", less then you consume to lose and more than you burn to gain.

Lets break this down; You gotta burn 3,500 more than you take in to lose a pound.... one single pound.   So if you're a big fat guy like me.... Quick aside, I'm not being hard on myself, the clicinical term for me at my current weight is morbidly obese, to me "big fat guy" some how sounds better..... now .....So if you're a big fat guy like me, with a BMI of 41.6 you need about 3,000 calories a day just to maintain, just to sit on the couch. 3,000 calories a day will keep me even.

So for example if I cut my intake down to 2,500cal/day I would theroretically lose a pound a week (500cal deficit x 7 days = 3,500 calories a week or 1 pound). Or 52lbs in a year. Cut down to 2,000 a day and we're there; 100 lbs in a year.

This is the basic idea but overly simplistic because of course as we lose weight we need fewer calories to maintain the new smaller us. So that 2 pounds a week we lose for the first few weeks at our new 2,000cal/day diet will begin to taper off and then disapear.

That is where exersise comes in. If I take in 2,500cal/day and I burn 3,000 just watching TV and then I add 30 minutes of walking at a moderate pace, 3 times a week  I'll burn an aditional 500cals a week. (that's right walking my big fat ass a mile only burns 165 calories). Increasing weight loss and hopefully improving my calorie burn while on the couch.

And ofcourse as you lose weight you have to go faster and father to burn the same calories.

This is why weight loss is so damn hard and why people get so frustrated.  Add to this that I live in the south, where the food at the gas station rivals any resturant in the rest of the country... And that I'm middle aged and have less testostrone and all the other hormones of youth....this is gonna be a bitch.

I say all this so you will understand the extreem nature of my plan.  I know what I'm doing and what needs to happen to get me from the couch to the finish line of a half Ironman 100+ pounds less then I am today in 381 days.

I'm not gonna over do it, over train or blow out a knee (again like I did last time). I'm gonna start the exercise slow, in the water with no joint stress. and start the diet hard with a fast. More on that next post.

This is gonna be hard but also fun and exciting.  And I am blessed.  My prooblem is that I want to get into shape.  Not fresh water or my kids playing near unexploded mines, or cancer but weight and fitness.  I'm blessed with first world problems today.

So follow my progress and join me if you like.  It all starts Thursday March 14th, 2013 at 6am CDT.  Training, diet and progress updates as they occur.

Here's a link to a BMI (or body mass index) calculator and a basic Metobolic rate (caloric need) calculator

http://nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

http://www.diet-blog.com/05/how_to_calculate_your_daily_calorie_needs.php

See you at the finish line!

Thanks to Scott Nieman who cought my math mistake in the first posting.  I had origionally put 35,000 calories....it is 350,000......  OMG!